Pathos
05-14-2003, 04:42 PM
ANDREW: Hi! He's SIFI Gods and Outlaws fame!
SIFI: And he's ANDREW of Grime-Reapers-before-he-was-quietly-voted-out fame!
ANDREW: And together we're....
SIFI & ANDREW (in a singular, rousing chorus): THE TWO MINORS!
ANDREW: No, wait, that's not right!
SIFI: Crap dude, I think we stuffed the opening to Episode 2.
ANDREW: Big time!
SIFI: Pathos will not be happy...
ANDREW: Yes, but... really, who gives a stuff? I mean what's he gonna do, stare at us unpleasantly? Spam some more in-game with that ridiculous HOLO-Rocket Launcher of his? I do not think so, spanky!
SIFI (looking quickly around): I wish you wouldn't call me that. Not in public, anyway...
ANDREW: But it's so true!
(ANDREW openly stares at SIFI's well-rounded heinie and licks his lips)
SIFI: Lucky for you i am but a minor and as such completely oblivious to your subtle innuendo. Now how about we focus and get this opening address happening?
ANDREW: Ok ok, i'm sorry. Let's just hug it out and move on.
(They embrace. Alongside an odd bulge from ANDREW, an unbidden thought hits SIFI)
SIFI: Say, you sure you're only 8 years of age?
ANDREW: Actually, i'm forty-two. The pre-foetal routine i employ to shine on the paternally needy babes.
SIFI: Oh. Does it work?
ANDREW: Do HOLO-Pigs fly?
SIFI: Actually... yeah, they do.
(ANDREW ducks as a winged-squeal whistles by his ear)
ANDREW: Well bugger me!
REAL WORLD PATHOS (toe-a-tappin' ): Uh, guys? As much as this whole "minor" routine warms the heart and soothes the soul, can we get things MOVING here please?
SIFI: Oh no, his toe's-a-tappin' - that can't be good!
ANDREW (clearing his throat): Right! Sifi, the notes on my opening address if you please.
SIFI (adjusting his cute, oversized bi-focals we hadn't conveniently noticed until this very moment): Right. Yes. The notes. Well, they're certainly around here somewhere.. i think. I hope. Pleasegodletthembehere...
ANDREW: Why on future-earth do you wear that ridiculous contraption? SILICON-EYES have long been freely available. What's more, they'll really bring out the colour in your eyes... and you really do have such nice eyes, SIFI... such nice, young, nubile eyes...
(ANDREW'S lower lips trembles a moment before he regains his composure. Realising his mistake, he covers himself by pretending to remember a joke)
ANDREW: HAHAHAHAHA! Oh i get it now! HAHA. Very amusing. Ahem.
SIFI (naively misinterpreting, as minors do): My pappy SIRCLES makes me wear them! He says they make him feel like a big man, whatever the hell that mea--
REAL WORLD PATHOS (voice the crack of thunder): GUYS!!
(They both jump. Moist, yellow stains slowly seep down a leg apiece as SIFI looks abashed and ANDREW miraculously produces his notes and proceeds to address the dwindling crowd)
ANDREW: "Hello and Welcome, gents and lassies! Pathos is.. a lazy git. He will not bother "catching you up" on past transgressions. That is to say, he will not bother catching you up on the story thus far--"
ANDREW (glancing up from his page, his recent pant-seep long forgotten): Story? What story? I'm sorry did i miss an "episode"? [snicker]
REAL WORLD PATHOS: For the love of god, just read the bloody bit of paper so we can bloody BEGIN this bloody thing! Then we can all go bloody home to our bloody loved-online ones!
ANDREW: Well, if you're gonna be like that about it...
REAL WORLD PATHOS: OH FORGET IT!
ANDREW: Already forgotten, my dear Phatos..
SIFI (eyes wide): Oh no - you said THE name! Why did you have to say THE name?!
Seeing steam rise from PATHOS' temples and his hand fly toward the DELETE KEY, ANDREW herds SIFI off the stage, a sudden spring in his child-like, though oddly self-assured, step..
REAL WORLD PATHOS (chest a-heaving, turning to face the camera): Gang, if you'd like to know what the heck's gone on thus far, check out the PROLOGUE and EPISODE 1, found elsewhere in this esteemed, OFF TOPIC forum. Thank you. That is all.
ANDREW (calling from offstage): Well, that made for an interesting study in self promotion!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Bite me, okay? Hard.
ANDREW: Don't tempt me, bad boy, don't tempt me...
(Curtains raise on...)
================================================== ================
GAMEMECCA - THE MOVIE
EPISODE 2: THE (INTERMINABLE) GATHERING.
================================================== ==================
We open (FINALLY!) on the REALLY ICONOCLASTIC LEFTY BASTARDS headquarters. SLASH and MR CLEAN are the leaders, but in a non-authoritarian way. SLASH is leading the meeting...)
SLASH (sporting a beer gut and receeding hairline): This week we're talking about the repressive forces, the right wing militia, those HITLER loving posers - the MERC POLICE! For months we have attempted to stop the censoring of our fecal, HOLO art and yet time and time again we are stopped, nay thwarted, in this so called democracy!
(MR CLEAN stands to join SLASH)
MR CLEAN: Our current HOLO programs "DRUG F-CKED BEYOND CONCEIVABLE MEASURE PARTS 1 and 2" and "HAVING SEX WITH REAL, LIVE SIMULCRA" have been banned outright, whilst "HANGOVER SIMULATOR" has been censored almost to the point of incoherence! And while i appreciate the irony in that and find myself tempted to further rant and belabor, it is clear that the time is nigh to pool our thoughts, combine our resources (both intellectual and physical), and ACT on this! We must formulate some sort of cohesive, workable battle plan. We must do this quickly and we must strike back NOW! They will NOT be expecting an attack. Not so soon and certainly not from the incapable likes of us! NOW WHO'S WITH ME???!!!!!!
(Long pause)
SLASH: You know MR CLEAN, as inspiring as that was, these meetings would be a lot better if we actually had members in our party...
MR CLEAN: I handed out leaflets yesterday! For at least thirty-five minutes!
SLASH: Did anyone actually take one?
MR CLEAN: Well, this WELL-TO-DO HOMELESS PERSON spat on me, and some guy wearing only what looked to be a TANGERINE SPEEDO--
SLASH : A Tangerine Speedo?
MR CLEAN: A TANGERINE FRICKIN' SPEEDO!!! Can you believe it!?! Anyway, he proceeded to kick the crap out of me and tell me he was supposed to be handing out "JOIN THE REAPERS ONLINE" leaflets on the very spot where I was standing!
SLASH: Funny how the GRIM REAPERS became the biggest online clan in the entire universe, buying out all first person shooters, games and forums inclusive..
MR CLEAN: Yes, who would have thought?
SLASH: Ironic isn't it that all those members who joined in the early part of the century are now worth millions upon millions of dollars and have all the women they could want..
MR CLEAN: Ironic, yes. If we'd only left OUTLAWS we could be rich beyond measure..
SLASH: To think, i'd actually be able to afford one of HIGH PING CAMPER'S corner-beauties!
(They both sigh. Suddenly a PULSE eminates from the HOLO-PHONE. MR CLEAN answers as PATHOS' face appears on the 3D screen)
PATHOS (onscreen): Fellas! Your "party" is really swinging, i see!
(SLASH & MR CLEAN roll their eyes)
PATHOS (chuckling): Swing over to SALvation's digs - he's got a spanking new HOLO program to no doubt rub in our pimply, un-tanned faces! Invite only.
SLASH: Well who are we to resist such a winning invitation.. ?
MR CLEAN: Where are you now?
PATHOS: I'm on my way on this here HOLO-HOOP with the SLik-ster! Say hello SLiK!
(A barely audible grunt is heard)
PATHOS: You're doing well - that's more than most get out of him! He must like you.
SLASH: Sure he does.
MR CLEAN: Dude, we'll see you in an hour or so.
PATHOS: Done. Ciao for now, big brown cows!
(PATHOS hangs up.)
MR CLEAN: You know, if I didn't know him better I'd say that little scene was just so he appeared as often as possible in this erratic serial..
SLASH: No? Really? You think?
MR CLEAN: Wait a minute - what the HELL is a "HOLO-HOOP"?
SLASH: F!ucked if i know! Sounds kinda gay, you ask me..
MR CLEAN: Come on SLASH, we'd best get moving.
(SLASH pulls on his HOLO-JACKET)
MR CLEAN: You sure you're not bitter about the whole GRIM REAPERS thing?
SLASH: Not at all, why do you ask?
MR CLEAN: Well, you see that HOLO-JACKET you just put on?
SLASH: Yeah?
MR CLEAN: It used to be DOA SCORCH.
(SLASH's "HOLO-JACKET" twitches and bleeds)
SLASH: Bugger..
(Cut to HIGH-POSTERS 3000, a trendy future-club. PHOENIX is shaking his thang, surrounded by a veritable harem of scantily clad babes, all moaning his name..)
SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE: Oh Phoenix, I feel so HOT and wet I'm going to have to remove my top!
(SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE pops her top revealing something akin to a couple of small, nuclear warheads. PHOENIX looks unimpressed)
PHOENIX: What are those supposed to be? I've seen bigger on a LEGO man. Much bigger. Next!
SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE: But.. but.. you can't just ig--
PHOENIX (stifling a yawn): Not that i care, but aren't you shacked up with this SAURON fellow.. ?
SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE: Oh i dropped his ass over the whole GRIM REAPERS thing. In my heart i was never an OUTLAW.. and yet now that i am rich beyond man's mortal ability to count, i STILL find myself attracted to you on what must surely be the molecular level! SAY YOU RETURN MY LOVE! SAY IT DAMN YOU! SAY IT OR BY GOD I'll--
SCANTILY CLAD ADA (shoving BAIN aside): Take ME! Me i say! Take me like you've taken no one else! I want you all over me! All under me! All through me! But mostly i just want you in my bed.
SCANTILY CLAD SEPRA (quietly, from somewhere around the back): Phoenix, I'll.. i'll sit and watch Manga with you..
(The music skips to a dramatic, emphatic halt as the entire club stops as if frozen in time, SCANTILY CLAD SEPRA'S words echoing through the 3-floored complex, through walls, through ceiling, brushing by mouths agape, rats a-frozen, and frenchies a-paused, doomed to sift incomprehensibly and irreconcilably on the hearts and minds of one and all forever more)
PHOENIX: Honey, it's SIR Phoenix now and I've been manga and comic-free going on 3 full weeks. Sort of. Come back when your norks are perkier.
(SCANTILY CLAD SEPRA wails and storms, funbags-a-flappin', out of the club. The other women resume groping PHOENIX.)
SCANTILY CLAD BLACK ROSE: OH PHOENIX DONT FORGET ME! See my ALIAS? I'M A SCANTILY CLAD CHICK TOO!
SCANTILY CLAD DIXIE CHICK: And me! Ride me like a rodeo horse big boy! PLEASE.
PHOENIX: Hmmmmmmm let me think about it.
(Suddenly the whole club flickers and distorts as *HOLO* HIGH-POSTERS 3000 ends abruptly.)
PHOENIX (standing alone in his room): What the fu--!? Bloody MR SLiK better not have his pants down again..
(Noticing his HOLO-PHONE blinking, PHOENIX gives the appropriate voice activation command---
STUDIO AUDIENCE: OOOOOH! AAAAAAH! It really *IS* the FUTURE! Until this cherished moment we did not really, truly believe!
----and PATHOS' face appears.)
PATHOS (onscreen): Compadre! Hola!
PHOENIX: So. It's you.
PATHOS (onscreen): Your grasp of the obvious will either threaten Star Systems one day.. or cure world hunger. I just can't decide!
PHOENIX: Just make it snappy, quip-boy. I'm busy.
PATHOS: Ooer. This big-tough-man thing is very becoming!
PHOENIX (failing to see sarcasm): I know..
PATHOS: Alrighty-then! Look i only wanted to know if--- say, what's that bulge in your pants?
PHOENIX (stuttering awkwardly, his brief show of bravado evaporating): Oh! Uh..er..
PATHOS: Were you playing *HOLO* HIGH-POSTERS 3000 again?
PHOENIX: Um.. No?
PATHOS: Did you at least remove the DIXIE simulcra like i told you?
PHOENIX: Welllll.....
PATHOS: My god man! THE MACHINE will kick your ass SO hard.. you will be plucking testicular hair from your tiles for a solid week, perhaps two!
PHOENIX: You're not going to dob on me, are you? I'll delete it.. soon. I promise!
PATHOS: Whatever dude - it's your nads. But listen - there's this new proggie at SALvation's and-- oh just be there within the hour, okay?
PHOENIX: Okay. You twisted my arm somehow.
PATHOS (blandly): It's a gift. Ciao for now, "SIR Phoenix".
PATHOS snickers before his HOLO-3D projection vanishes from the screen. PHOENIX harrumphs, walks over to his HOLO-console and deletes the DIXIE CHICK simulcra. Right after he backs it up, of course.
PHOENIX: Safety first, that's what i always say! That's what i'm all about, really..
Nodding to himself, he moves to ensure his prized manga collection is protected from those nasty indoor elements - a strict, hourly routine he follows with unheralded discipline.
PHOENIX: One day, hundreds of years from now when i am dead, these comics will be worth MILLIONS! I'll show those REAPERS yet!
Grunting satisfaction, he takes one last look around his apartment, dons his liquid-metal mirror shades, and exits.
(Meanwhile back on the HOLO-HOOP)
PATHOS (staring somberly at his now quiet HOLO-PHONE): That boy! I dunno, SLik - i think we're losing him.. and if not, well, i fear THE MACHINE will lose him for us.
MR SLiK: You're riding shotgun to the wrong guy if you're looking for anything akin to parental guidance, sparky! You ask me, all he really needs is a KOALA bear suit, a money tin, some quarters to get him going, and a reassuring pat on the head. Then everything will make sense.
PATHOS: By gosh, i think you're onto something there, SLik ol' boy!
MR SLiK: I am living proof. Hey! Check it out - way down there, isn't that...
PATHOS (squinting): On the corner? Pimpin' some ho's? Looks kinda like High Ping C--
MR SLiK: No, further up, in the MERC-POLICE uniform. That's RAVEN, if i'm not mistaken?
PATHOS: Indeed it is! I'll give him a buzz. SLik, detour over to SASQUATCH'S - we'll pick up the gang there and we'll all meet at SALvations.
(Once more Pathos reaches for his HOLO-PHONE as the camera drops rapidly and.. accidentally whizzes by RAVEN to....)
STRIDER, older and wiser. He is standing on the street pretending to be drunk.
STRIDER: Oh man I'm so drunk.. I'm just SO drunk! I'm REALLY drunk..
RAVEN finally approaches. He looks at STRIDER quizzically.
RAVEN: What are you doing?
STRIDER: I'm drunk.
RAVEN: No you're not.
STRIDER: I am so. I'm SO drunk!
RAVEN: Why are you pretending to be drunk?
STRIDER: I'M NOT!
RAVEN: You have a bottle of water in your hand.
STRIDER: It's alcoholic water.
RAVEN: Alcoholic water?
STRIDER: Yes.
RAVEN: Mate, you're an idiot.
STRIDER: Yes, i suppose I am.
RAVEN: Doesn't it strike you as a bit stupid to pretend to be drunk when in fact you're old enough to LEGALLY get drunk?
STRIDER: You know I never thought of it that way. I've been a bit troubled ever since CRISM, DIABLO and all the other BANNED and ALMOST-BANNED-ONES were killed in that hideous traffic accident with those midgets. God I don't even want to TALK about that it was SO horrible.
STRIDER has a brief, unprovoked facial spasm before relaxing again. RAVEN's bemused stare is cut short as his HOLO-MOBILE pulses and rings. PATHOS' face appears on the 3D-Screen.
PATHOS (onscreen): Raven sig-buddy! I've got something big happening, SALvation's new program---
STRIDER: Do not interrupt us, Pathos. I am in the middle of a zany, madcap scheme that's just crazy enough to work!
(PATHOS blinks)
PATHOS: Strider..? Damnit this is the future! Why do you look YOUNGER? And what's with-- say, are you pretending to be drunk again?
STRIDER: Yes! I mean.. no! Goddamnit you guys are TEAMING! WHORES!
(PATHOS looks to RAVEN who shrugs his shoulders)
RAVEN: Isn't it obvious? He is, of course, slyly eyeing the action down HIGH PING CAMPER'S end of the street..
PATHOS (ignoring STRIDER'S guilt ridden, choking sounds): You know RAVEN, i never noticed before, but in this light you look a little like SHERLOCK HOLMES..
STRIDER (outraged beyond an ability to speak): uH... GUH...BU...!!@##
RAVEN (smiling): I like him better this way.
PATHOS: Raven, you gotta hear this bud, SALvation's new program..
We fade from the future back to our current REAL REALITY. ANDREW and SIFI, having sat impatiently (those wacky MINORS) through GAMEMECCA Episode 2, such as it was, are now milling "round the back somewhere".
ANDREW (absently buffing his nails): Feh. We were clearly the best thing in this lousy so-called 'episode'.. [sniff]
SIFI: Say, Andrew?
ANDREW: Yeah?
SIFI: I've been thinking.. now this could just be my half-assed HOMESCHOOL training speaking (not that i'm bitter), but if you're really forty-two.. well, how come you're physically smaller than me?
ANDREW (a strangely familiar HOLO-BERETTA appearing in his barely-formed paw): RRRAAAAAAAAAAR - ANDREW SMASH! Or.. umm.. shoot as the case may be. Where was i? Oh yeah - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
(Ignoring the fact SIFI was standing, oh, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! ANDREW leaps onto the wall, flips, spins both his body and weapon with the same ease you or i would, say, butter toast, points the gun at SIFI and...)
SIFI: AIIIIIIEEEEeeeee*--
TO BE CONTINUED!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Could it be?
DARK LEVIATHAN (all supposedly post-humous): Like f'n HELL!
We shall see.. oh yes, we shall indeed! Tune in next time when we define the words BLATANT, RED and HERRING for the younger members. And we find out if Pathos will EVER go much more than 10 lines without mentioning either drugs or sex! This is of course assuming the ladies of GAMEMECCA don't, for some unconscionable reason, verbally castrate poor, hapless PATHOS. We'll also catch up with GRIMMY and HAMMER who, much to DEATH ENGINEER'S chagrin, have finally managed to find his instruction manual! Hilarity ensues. And last but not least, we'll FINALLY get around to...
EPILOGUE
(We close on a mumbling SALvation - he does not look the happy camper! You know, just for a change..)
SALvation: ..and another thing, when the fudge are this rabid, barely legible lot EVER going to get to my f'n "place"? Have i moved to the frickin' MOON in the future or some sh1t? Get your act together, little man-bug, or by jove i--
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Actually.. yes. You have. You live on the moon. Have for some time now..
SALvation (blinking): You're sh1tting me? The moon? Really? THE HELL YOU SAY!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Oh, i do say. You're rich, too..
SALvation: Ohhh! Oh.. uh.. oh.. excuse me a moment, i need to finish this in private.. uh.. uh...ohhhh
(Fade on a smiling, whistling REAL WORLD PATHOS, heading in what looks like the general direction of HIGH PING CAMPER'S "corner" - awhooga! 'bout time this started gettin' good!)
SIFI: And he's ANDREW of Grime-Reapers-before-he-was-quietly-voted-out fame!
ANDREW: And together we're....
SIFI & ANDREW (in a singular, rousing chorus): THE TWO MINORS!
ANDREW: No, wait, that's not right!
SIFI: Crap dude, I think we stuffed the opening to Episode 2.
ANDREW: Big time!
SIFI: Pathos will not be happy...
ANDREW: Yes, but... really, who gives a stuff? I mean what's he gonna do, stare at us unpleasantly? Spam some more in-game with that ridiculous HOLO-Rocket Launcher of his? I do not think so, spanky!
SIFI (looking quickly around): I wish you wouldn't call me that. Not in public, anyway...
ANDREW: But it's so true!
(ANDREW openly stares at SIFI's well-rounded heinie and licks his lips)
SIFI: Lucky for you i am but a minor and as such completely oblivious to your subtle innuendo. Now how about we focus and get this opening address happening?
ANDREW: Ok ok, i'm sorry. Let's just hug it out and move on.
(They embrace. Alongside an odd bulge from ANDREW, an unbidden thought hits SIFI)
SIFI: Say, you sure you're only 8 years of age?
ANDREW: Actually, i'm forty-two. The pre-foetal routine i employ to shine on the paternally needy babes.
SIFI: Oh. Does it work?
ANDREW: Do HOLO-Pigs fly?
SIFI: Actually... yeah, they do.
(ANDREW ducks as a winged-squeal whistles by his ear)
ANDREW: Well bugger me!
REAL WORLD PATHOS (toe-a-tappin' ): Uh, guys? As much as this whole "minor" routine warms the heart and soothes the soul, can we get things MOVING here please?
SIFI: Oh no, his toe's-a-tappin' - that can't be good!
ANDREW (clearing his throat): Right! Sifi, the notes on my opening address if you please.
SIFI (adjusting his cute, oversized bi-focals we hadn't conveniently noticed until this very moment): Right. Yes. The notes. Well, they're certainly around here somewhere.. i think. I hope. Pleasegodletthembehere...
ANDREW: Why on future-earth do you wear that ridiculous contraption? SILICON-EYES have long been freely available. What's more, they'll really bring out the colour in your eyes... and you really do have such nice eyes, SIFI... such nice, young, nubile eyes...
(ANDREW'S lower lips trembles a moment before he regains his composure. Realising his mistake, he covers himself by pretending to remember a joke)
ANDREW: HAHAHAHAHA! Oh i get it now! HAHA. Very amusing. Ahem.
SIFI (naively misinterpreting, as minors do): My pappy SIRCLES makes me wear them! He says they make him feel like a big man, whatever the hell that mea--
REAL WORLD PATHOS (voice the crack of thunder): GUYS!!
(They both jump. Moist, yellow stains slowly seep down a leg apiece as SIFI looks abashed and ANDREW miraculously produces his notes and proceeds to address the dwindling crowd)
ANDREW: "Hello and Welcome, gents and lassies! Pathos is.. a lazy git. He will not bother "catching you up" on past transgressions. That is to say, he will not bother catching you up on the story thus far--"
ANDREW (glancing up from his page, his recent pant-seep long forgotten): Story? What story? I'm sorry did i miss an "episode"? [snicker]
REAL WORLD PATHOS: For the love of god, just read the bloody bit of paper so we can bloody BEGIN this bloody thing! Then we can all go bloody home to our bloody loved-online ones!
ANDREW: Well, if you're gonna be like that about it...
REAL WORLD PATHOS: OH FORGET IT!
ANDREW: Already forgotten, my dear Phatos..
SIFI (eyes wide): Oh no - you said THE name! Why did you have to say THE name?!
Seeing steam rise from PATHOS' temples and his hand fly toward the DELETE KEY, ANDREW herds SIFI off the stage, a sudden spring in his child-like, though oddly self-assured, step..
REAL WORLD PATHOS (chest a-heaving, turning to face the camera): Gang, if you'd like to know what the heck's gone on thus far, check out the PROLOGUE and EPISODE 1, found elsewhere in this esteemed, OFF TOPIC forum. Thank you. That is all.
ANDREW (calling from offstage): Well, that made for an interesting study in self promotion!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Bite me, okay? Hard.
ANDREW: Don't tempt me, bad boy, don't tempt me...
(Curtains raise on...)
================================================== ================
GAMEMECCA - THE MOVIE
EPISODE 2: THE (INTERMINABLE) GATHERING.
================================================== ==================
We open (FINALLY!) on the REALLY ICONOCLASTIC LEFTY BASTARDS headquarters. SLASH and MR CLEAN are the leaders, but in a non-authoritarian way. SLASH is leading the meeting...)
SLASH (sporting a beer gut and receeding hairline): This week we're talking about the repressive forces, the right wing militia, those HITLER loving posers - the MERC POLICE! For months we have attempted to stop the censoring of our fecal, HOLO art and yet time and time again we are stopped, nay thwarted, in this so called democracy!
(MR CLEAN stands to join SLASH)
MR CLEAN: Our current HOLO programs "DRUG F-CKED BEYOND CONCEIVABLE MEASURE PARTS 1 and 2" and "HAVING SEX WITH REAL, LIVE SIMULCRA" have been banned outright, whilst "HANGOVER SIMULATOR" has been censored almost to the point of incoherence! And while i appreciate the irony in that and find myself tempted to further rant and belabor, it is clear that the time is nigh to pool our thoughts, combine our resources (both intellectual and physical), and ACT on this! We must formulate some sort of cohesive, workable battle plan. We must do this quickly and we must strike back NOW! They will NOT be expecting an attack. Not so soon and certainly not from the incapable likes of us! NOW WHO'S WITH ME???!!!!!!
(Long pause)
SLASH: You know MR CLEAN, as inspiring as that was, these meetings would be a lot better if we actually had members in our party...
MR CLEAN: I handed out leaflets yesterday! For at least thirty-five minutes!
SLASH: Did anyone actually take one?
MR CLEAN: Well, this WELL-TO-DO HOMELESS PERSON spat on me, and some guy wearing only what looked to be a TANGERINE SPEEDO--
SLASH : A Tangerine Speedo?
MR CLEAN: A TANGERINE FRICKIN' SPEEDO!!! Can you believe it!?! Anyway, he proceeded to kick the crap out of me and tell me he was supposed to be handing out "JOIN THE REAPERS ONLINE" leaflets on the very spot where I was standing!
SLASH: Funny how the GRIM REAPERS became the biggest online clan in the entire universe, buying out all first person shooters, games and forums inclusive..
MR CLEAN: Yes, who would have thought?
SLASH: Ironic isn't it that all those members who joined in the early part of the century are now worth millions upon millions of dollars and have all the women they could want..
MR CLEAN: Ironic, yes. If we'd only left OUTLAWS we could be rich beyond measure..
SLASH: To think, i'd actually be able to afford one of HIGH PING CAMPER'S corner-beauties!
(They both sigh. Suddenly a PULSE eminates from the HOLO-PHONE. MR CLEAN answers as PATHOS' face appears on the 3D screen)
PATHOS (onscreen): Fellas! Your "party" is really swinging, i see!
(SLASH & MR CLEAN roll their eyes)
PATHOS (chuckling): Swing over to SALvation's digs - he's got a spanking new HOLO program to no doubt rub in our pimply, un-tanned faces! Invite only.
SLASH: Well who are we to resist such a winning invitation.. ?
MR CLEAN: Where are you now?
PATHOS: I'm on my way on this here HOLO-HOOP with the SLik-ster! Say hello SLiK!
(A barely audible grunt is heard)
PATHOS: You're doing well - that's more than most get out of him! He must like you.
SLASH: Sure he does.
MR CLEAN: Dude, we'll see you in an hour or so.
PATHOS: Done. Ciao for now, big brown cows!
(PATHOS hangs up.)
MR CLEAN: You know, if I didn't know him better I'd say that little scene was just so he appeared as often as possible in this erratic serial..
SLASH: No? Really? You think?
MR CLEAN: Wait a minute - what the HELL is a "HOLO-HOOP"?
SLASH: F!ucked if i know! Sounds kinda gay, you ask me..
MR CLEAN: Come on SLASH, we'd best get moving.
(SLASH pulls on his HOLO-JACKET)
MR CLEAN: You sure you're not bitter about the whole GRIM REAPERS thing?
SLASH: Not at all, why do you ask?
MR CLEAN: Well, you see that HOLO-JACKET you just put on?
SLASH: Yeah?
MR CLEAN: It used to be DOA SCORCH.
(SLASH's "HOLO-JACKET" twitches and bleeds)
SLASH: Bugger..
(Cut to HIGH-POSTERS 3000, a trendy future-club. PHOENIX is shaking his thang, surrounded by a veritable harem of scantily clad babes, all moaning his name..)
SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE: Oh Phoenix, I feel so HOT and wet I'm going to have to remove my top!
(SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE pops her top revealing something akin to a couple of small, nuclear warheads. PHOENIX looks unimpressed)
PHOENIX: What are those supposed to be? I've seen bigger on a LEGO man. Much bigger. Next!
SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE: But.. but.. you can't just ig--
PHOENIX (stifling a yawn): Not that i care, but aren't you shacked up with this SAURON fellow.. ?
SCANTILY CLAD BAINSIDHE: Oh i dropped his ass over the whole GRIM REAPERS thing. In my heart i was never an OUTLAW.. and yet now that i am rich beyond man's mortal ability to count, i STILL find myself attracted to you on what must surely be the molecular level! SAY YOU RETURN MY LOVE! SAY IT DAMN YOU! SAY IT OR BY GOD I'll--
SCANTILY CLAD ADA (shoving BAIN aside): Take ME! Me i say! Take me like you've taken no one else! I want you all over me! All under me! All through me! But mostly i just want you in my bed.
SCANTILY CLAD SEPRA (quietly, from somewhere around the back): Phoenix, I'll.. i'll sit and watch Manga with you..
(The music skips to a dramatic, emphatic halt as the entire club stops as if frozen in time, SCANTILY CLAD SEPRA'S words echoing through the 3-floored complex, through walls, through ceiling, brushing by mouths agape, rats a-frozen, and frenchies a-paused, doomed to sift incomprehensibly and irreconcilably on the hearts and minds of one and all forever more)
PHOENIX: Honey, it's SIR Phoenix now and I've been manga and comic-free going on 3 full weeks. Sort of. Come back when your norks are perkier.
(SCANTILY CLAD SEPRA wails and storms, funbags-a-flappin', out of the club. The other women resume groping PHOENIX.)
SCANTILY CLAD BLACK ROSE: OH PHOENIX DONT FORGET ME! See my ALIAS? I'M A SCANTILY CLAD CHICK TOO!
SCANTILY CLAD DIXIE CHICK: And me! Ride me like a rodeo horse big boy! PLEASE.
PHOENIX: Hmmmmmmm let me think about it.
(Suddenly the whole club flickers and distorts as *HOLO* HIGH-POSTERS 3000 ends abruptly.)
PHOENIX (standing alone in his room): What the fu--!? Bloody MR SLiK better not have his pants down again..
(Noticing his HOLO-PHONE blinking, PHOENIX gives the appropriate voice activation command---
STUDIO AUDIENCE: OOOOOH! AAAAAAH! It really *IS* the FUTURE! Until this cherished moment we did not really, truly believe!
----and PATHOS' face appears.)
PATHOS (onscreen): Compadre! Hola!
PHOENIX: So. It's you.
PATHOS (onscreen): Your grasp of the obvious will either threaten Star Systems one day.. or cure world hunger. I just can't decide!
PHOENIX: Just make it snappy, quip-boy. I'm busy.
PATHOS: Ooer. This big-tough-man thing is very becoming!
PHOENIX (failing to see sarcasm): I know..
PATHOS: Alrighty-then! Look i only wanted to know if--- say, what's that bulge in your pants?
PHOENIX (stuttering awkwardly, his brief show of bravado evaporating): Oh! Uh..er..
PATHOS: Were you playing *HOLO* HIGH-POSTERS 3000 again?
PHOENIX: Um.. No?
PATHOS: Did you at least remove the DIXIE simulcra like i told you?
PHOENIX: Welllll.....
PATHOS: My god man! THE MACHINE will kick your ass SO hard.. you will be plucking testicular hair from your tiles for a solid week, perhaps two!
PHOENIX: You're not going to dob on me, are you? I'll delete it.. soon. I promise!
PATHOS: Whatever dude - it's your nads. But listen - there's this new proggie at SALvation's and-- oh just be there within the hour, okay?
PHOENIX: Okay. You twisted my arm somehow.
PATHOS (blandly): It's a gift. Ciao for now, "SIR Phoenix".
PATHOS snickers before his HOLO-3D projection vanishes from the screen. PHOENIX harrumphs, walks over to his HOLO-console and deletes the DIXIE CHICK simulcra. Right after he backs it up, of course.
PHOENIX: Safety first, that's what i always say! That's what i'm all about, really..
Nodding to himself, he moves to ensure his prized manga collection is protected from those nasty indoor elements - a strict, hourly routine he follows with unheralded discipline.
PHOENIX: One day, hundreds of years from now when i am dead, these comics will be worth MILLIONS! I'll show those REAPERS yet!
Grunting satisfaction, he takes one last look around his apartment, dons his liquid-metal mirror shades, and exits.
(Meanwhile back on the HOLO-HOOP)
PATHOS (staring somberly at his now quiet HOLO-PHONE): That boy! I dunno, SLik - i think we're losing him.. and if not, well, i fear THE MACHINE will lose him for us.
MR SLiK: You're riding shotgun to the wrong guy if you're looking for anything akin to parental guidance, sparky! You ask me, all he really needs is a KOALA bear suit, a money tin, some quarters to get him going, and a reassuring pat on the head. Then everything will make sense.
PATHOS: By gosh, i think you're onto something there, SLik ol' boy!
MR SLiK: I am living proof. Hey! Check it out - way down there, isn't that...
PATHOS (squinting): On the corner? Pimpin' some ho's? Looks kinda like High Ping C--
MR SLiK: No, further up, in the MERC-POLICE uniform. That's RAVEN, if i'm not mistaken?
PATHOS: Indeed it is! I'll give him a buzz. SLik, detour over to SASQUATCH'S - we'll pick up the gang there and we'll all meet at SALvations.
(Once more Pathos reaches for his HOLO-PHONE as the camera drops rapidly and.. accidentally whizzes by RAVEN to....)
STRIDER, older and wiser. He is standing on the street pretending to be drunk.
STRIDER: Oh man I'm so drunk.. I'm just SO drunk! I'm REALLY drunk..
RAVEN finally approaches. He looks at STRIDER quizzically.
RAVEN: What are you doing?
STRIDER: I'm drunk.
RAVEN: No you're not.
STRIDER: I am so. I'm SO drunk!
RAVEN: Why are you pretending to be drunk?
STRIDER: I'M NOT!
RAVEN: You have a bottle of water in your hand.
STRIDER: It's alcoholic water.
RAVEN: Alcoholic water?
STRIDER: Yes.
RAVEN: Mate, you're an idiot.
STRIDER: Yes, i suppose I am.
RAVEN: Doesn't it strike you as a bit stupid to pretend to be drunk when in fact you're old enough to LEGALLY get drunk?
STRIDER: You know I never thought of it that way. I've been a bit troubled ever since CRISM, DIABLO and all the other BANNED and ALMOST-BANNED-ONES were killed in that hideous traffic accident with those midgets. God I don't even want to TALK about that it was SO horrible.
STRIDER has a brief, unprovoked facial spasm before relaxing again. RAVEN's bemused stare is cut short as his HOLO-MOBILE pulses and rings. PATHOS' face appears on the 3D-Screen.
PATHOS (onscreen): Raven sig-buddy! I've got something big happening, SALvation's new program---
STRIDER: Do not interrupt us, Pathos. I am in the middle of a zany, madcap scheme that's just crazy enough to work!
(PATHOS blinks)
PATHOS: Strider..? Damnit this is the future! Why do you look YOUNGER? And what's with-- say, are you pretending to be drunk again?
STRIDER: Yes! I mean.. no! Goddamnit you guys are TEAMING! WHORES!
(PATHOS looks to RAVEN who shrugs his shoulders)
RAVEN: Isn't it obvious? He is, of course, slyly eyeing the action down HIGH PING CAMPER'S end of the street..
PATHOS (ignoring STRIDER'S guilt ridden, choking sounds): You know RAVEN, i never noticed before, but in this light you look a little like SHERLOCK HOLMES..
STRIDER (outraged beyond an ability to speak): uH... GUH...BU...!!@##
RAVEN (smiling): I like him better this way.
PATHOS: Raven, you gotta hear this bud, SALvation's new program..
We fade from the future back to our current REAL REALITY. ANDREW and SIFI, having sat impatiently (those wacky MINORS) through GAMEMECCA Episode 2, such as it was, are now milling "round the back somewhere".
ANDREW (absently buffing his nails): Feh. We were clearly the best thing in this lousy so-called 'episode'.. [sniff]
SIFI: Say, Andrew?
ANDREW: Yeah?
SIFI: I've been thinking.. now this could just be my half-assed HOMESCHOOL training speaking (not that i'm bitter), but if you're really forty-two.. well, how come you're physically smaller than me?
ANDREW (a strangely familiar HOLO-BERETTA appearing in his barely-formed paw): RRRAAAAAAAAAAR - ANDREW SMASH! Or.. umm.. shoot as the case may be. Where was i? Oh yeah - RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !
(Ignoring the fact SIFI was standing, oh, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! ANDREW leaps onto the wall, flips, spins both his body and weapon with the same ease you or i would, say, butter toast, points the gun at SIFI and...)
SIFI: AIIIIIIEEEEeeeee*--
TO BE CONTINUED!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Could it be?
DARK LEVIATHAN (all supposedly post-humous): Like f'n HELL!
We shall see.. oh yes, we shall indeed! Tune in next time when we define the words BLATANT, RED and HERRING for the younger members. And we find out if Pathos will EVER go much more than 10 lines without mentioning either drugs or sex! This is of course assuming the ladies of GAMEMECCA don't, for some unconscionable reason, verbally castrate poor, hapless PATHOS. We'll also catch up with GRIMMY and HAMMER who, much to DEATH ENGINEER'S chagrin, have finally managed to find his instruction manual! Hilarity ensues. And last but not least, we'll FINALLY get around to...
EPILOGUE
(We close on a mumbling SALvation - he does not look the happy camper! You know, just for a change..)
SALvation: ..and another thing, when the fudge are this rabid, barely legible lot EVER going to get to my f'n "place"? Have i moved to the frickin' MOON in the future or some sh1t? Get your act together, little man-bug, or by jove i--
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Actually.. yes. You have. You live on the moon. Have for some time now..
SALvation (blinking): You're sh1tting me? The moon? Really? THE HELL YOU SAY!
REAL WORLD PATHOS: Oh, i do say. You're rich, too..
SALvation: Ohhh! Oh.. uh.. oh.. excuse me a moment, i need to finish this in private.. uh.. uh...ohhhh
(Fade on a smiling, whistling REAL WORLD PATHOS, heading in what looks like the general direction of HIGH PING CAMPER'S "corner" - awhooga! 'bout time this started gettin' good!)