some laughs for ya...

[JIMINATOR]

Who gets the Egg
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up; whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

[Scorch]

:rofl:

[EXEcution]

:rofl:

[JIMINATOR]

Ventriloquist laugh
A ventriloquist walks into a small town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog and figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: 'G'day mate. Good looking dog... mind if l speak to him?'

Local: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid man.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey dog, how's it going old mate?'

Dog: 'Doin' all right.'

Local: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): 'Is this man your owner?'

Dog: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and lakes me to the river once a week to play.'

Local: (Look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Local: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool.'

Local: (Absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): 'Is this your owner?'

Horse: 'Yep.'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'

Local: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if l talk to your sheep?'

Local: 'The sheep's a bloody liar!'

[EXEcution]

:rofl:

[Nick]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[solid snake295]

:rofl: :lol: :rofl: :thumbs:

[Nitro]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :lol:

[Phoenix]

A preist, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.

he orders a drink.

[Strider]

There are three girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They have all committed crimes and are sentenced to death by firing squad. They are lined up and the seargant says to the brunutte, "Do you have any last words?" She points towards them and shouts, "LOOK! TORNADO!!!" The whole firing squad turns around and she runs away and escapes. Then the seargant asks the redhead, "Do you have any last words?" She points towards them and shouts, "LOOK! HURRICANE!!!" The whole firing squad turns around and she runs away and escapes. Then the seargant asks the blonde, "Do you have any last words?" She points towards the firing squad and shouts, "FIRE!!!" so they do.

[Phoenix]

Originally posted by Strider@Oct 1 2003, 12:27 AM
that's mean.. and also disgusting...
Well, it was your choice jacko. I put a huge warning before it. It's your own fault. I said it was disguisting.
Anway, I guess people cant take it, so I will edit it.

[JIMINATOR]

hmmm, i didn't see it, so put it back, then you can delete it... :D

[OUTLAWS Dixie Chick]

:rofl: Good ones everyone!

[Gun Element]

Hah, those were perty darn good if you ask me. :lol:

but I dunno Phoenix's kinda blows edited.... :P

[OUTLAWS high ping camper]

:thumbs: :rofl: :thumbs:

[Fantum309]

Sam's New Boots

An elderly couple, Sam and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Arizona.

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Frustrated Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN BESSIE?! IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat Sam... ya shoulda bought a hat."

[Vash]

ROFL!! :rofl:
Good jokes everyone!!

Here's a religious one:

a pastor, a buddhist monk, and a muslim leader had gathered alot of money but didnt know what to do with their offerings.

The muslim said: I'll throw the money in the air, whatever lands on the crescent moon symbol on the floor will belong to the mosque, the rest will be mine.

The monk said: I'll throw the money in the air, whatever lands on the hands of the gold idol of the buddha will belong to the temple, the rest will be mine.

The pastor said: I'll throw the money in the air, whatever God takes will belong to the church, whatever comes down to earth will be mine.

[Black Rose]

:w00t: :funny.gif: great ones :thumbs: :jammin:

LMAO @ fantum :rofl:

[Fantum309]

Ya shoulda bought a hat Vash, ya shoulda bought a hat!

[EXEcution]

I WANA READ PHOESNIXES!

[Fantum309]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his Daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story about the car going into the woods, the undressing, Aunt Jane laying down on the back seat.

Then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt

[Strifer]

The hat was freakin' aw'some :jammin: :jammin: :jammin: :wootrock: :wootrock: :wootrock:

[Thundarr]

OMG, thanks all for making a rough day a little better!!! :thumbs: :rofl: :lol:

I've even got a couple contributions...

The Lone Ranger & Tonto:

After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some
hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says,
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are
small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What it tell you, Kemo
Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumb
ass, someone has
stolen our tent."

[Thundarr]

This one's a little cheesy, but I still chuckled... :rolleyes:

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each
morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then
we don't have to wait as
long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and
you should do it,
because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible
that the man should do the
coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him
at the top of several
pages, that it indeed says .............





"HEBREWS "

[JIMINATOR]

5 reasons to believe computers are male:


1) They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2) They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3) As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5) Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

[JIMINATOR]

5 reasons to believe computers are female:






1) No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2) The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3) The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

[Scorch]

HA HA

:rofl: