Please Help!!!

[Caged Anger]

I need a story guys. A longer story that is completely funny but not at all crude. I have to find something along those lines in a week and already tried very hard with google. Haven't found anything good and long so could you help me out? I know you all have come up with good ones in the past and really need your help now!!!!

[Goober]

Hmmmmm.....here's a thought. Have you tried the Library????
I hear that they have these things called books,and that they have stories hidden inside them. Could be just another internet hoax though.

[JIMINATOR]

some context would help....

[EXEcution]

i hear the Bible's got some zingers

[Caged Anger]

tried the library, was no help being full of old useless books. I was hoping for a really funny computer story that anybody could find funny and amusing.

[Bingo]

This one time, when I was in band camp....

[solid snake295]

how about this, its not really long but its pretty funny.



Man peed way out of avalanche
A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it.

Rescue teams found Richard Kral drunk and staggering along a mountain path four days after his Audi car was buried in the Slovak Tatra mountains.

He told them that after the avalanche, he had opened his car window and tried to dig his way out.

But as he dug with his hands, he realised the snow would fill his car before he managed to break through.

He had 60 half-litre bottles of beer in his car as he was going on holiday, and after cracking one open to think about the problem he realised he could urinate on the snow to melt it, local media reported.

He said: "I was scooping the snow from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard and now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful and I managed to get out of there."

Parts of Europe have this week been hit by the heaviest snowfalls since 1941, with some places registering more than ten feet of snow in 24 hours.

[Slice]

What and who is this story for and geared to?

[JIMINATOR]

uh, maybe i am stoopid, but why didn't he just pour the beer on the snow?
(aside from the fact that it would be a waste of beer)

[Slice]

uh, maybe i am stoopid, but why didn't he just pour the beer on the snow?
(aside from the fact that it would be a waste of beer)
Well beer will actually freeze. Not only that but I am sure it was at that point the temp of it was close to the actual temp outside. So you use your body to convert the beer in to energy and pee out at98 degrees.

[JIMINATOR]

eh, i don't know about that. the alcohol freezes at somewhat less than what water does. (compounds, antifreeze examples). will it melt more snow than it freezes? certainly pee is going to be hotter, but you are taking cold beer into your body to make it. at some point that becomes inefficient, and may even become dangerous. but that may also depend on what he had with him, how long he was there, etc. anyway snopes couldn't authenticate the story. its an interesting story that begs for experimentation. maybe our canadian friends can test the theory? :hmmm:

[Die Hard]

Why don't joo just ask Pingu?

[Mad Fox]

MAybe you could make one about a computer and a rocket and an explosion in a field

[OUTLAWS 9.99repeating^32]

Jim, the freezing temperature of alcohol has no effect on its ability to melt snow. In order for there to be a phase change (solid snow to liquid water), there has to be an increase in temperature. In order for there to be an increase in temperature, there has to be a temperature difference across a boundary of some kind. The chances are that the beer was at the same temperature as the outside air (his car was buried in the snow for 4 days). So if he would have simply poured beer on the snow, it would not have raised the temperature of the snow, and there would not have been a phase change. So really the only way to melt the snow would have been to use saliva (which would have taken an extremely long time) or to use his urine, because the heat from his body would have been transfered to his excretions.

Now, you're right, drinking large quantities of beer is very dangerous. The reason is that beer is a strong diuretic (like caffiene). Unless he was "eating" snow and getting water that way, he could have gotten rid of more water than he was getting in. After a while, that would lead to dehydration, and eventually, death. After four days of drinking nothing but beer, I wouldn't be surprised if he died. I think that he had to have "eaten" some snow to prevent dehydration.

Back on topic:

Caged, I found a few stories, although none of them are really stellar, unfortunately. Here are some links:

Smart Computer (http://www.writers-free-reference.com/funny/story113.htm)

Various Small Stories (http://rinkworks.com/stupid/)

Tech Support (http://www.extremefunnypictures.com/funnypic162.htm)

[Die Hard]

:jammin: @ 9's

[JIMINATOR]

excellent, except that you can't eat snow to prevent dehydration. I learned this seeing "into the abyss", which was based on a true story. (and very much recommended). it takes the body too much energy to melt snow, and overall will result in a loss. Or maybe that is just snow at -30 degrees.... :hmmm:

and for the phase change thingy, that is generally true, except some examples, like adding salt to snow. (i looked it up). In those situations, before the salt the rate of freezing can match the rate of thawing, so there is an equilibrium. with salt however the freezing temp required drops, so more thawing happens so net results is that it melts snow.

note:
there is an excellent explanation @
http://antoine.frostburg.edu/chem/senese/101/solutions/faq/why-salt-melts-ice.shtml

but messing with the animation, the thawing only occurs above or at the freezing point.

[OUTLAWS 9.99repeating^32]

Jim, I don't want to extend this too far off-topic, but I'll just comment one more time and try to explain why I think that story is legitimate.

First off, of course snow will prevent dehydration. Granted, there are less hydrogen and oxygen molecules per volume then liquid water (because snow is less dense then normal water, which is why it floats), but it still provides the H2O molecules that the body needs. While it is true that much of the body's heat will be wasted into melting the snow, as long as body heat is kept under control it will not be life threatening. This is sometimes difficult to do, but in the case of this man, I don't think it was a problem. So I think he could have comfortably eaten snow without a significant loss in body heat.

Now, you bring up a good point, in that substances can lower the freezing tempertature of other substances. However, there are some things you have to remember. While it's true that salt melts snow very well, the reason is that when salt is dissolved into water, it breaks apart into ions, which are individual atoms with different amounts of neutrons then their normal atoms. So why is that important to note?

Well, the little ions are able to squeeze into the cracks of ice crystal structures and prevent ice from forming very efficiently. Water molecules normally simply attach themselves to other water molecules to form ice. However, when salt is added, they are essentially blocked from doing that, and thus the temperature needed to form crystals must be significantly lower. A good way to think of it would be like trying to park in a parking lot, and having a shopping cart in the way of your spot. You're trying to pull into the spot (and slow down to a stop), but you can't so you have to move around more (like a liquid) to find a new one.

So why wouldn't this work for alcohol? Well, alcohol molecules do not break down (or dissolve) into ions like the salt does. Alcohol molecules are significantly larger then salt molecules, and do not do as good a job of "blocking" crystal formation. Going back to the parking-lot analogy, you can think of an alcohol molecule as an eighteen-wheel truck in a parking lot. It can block spots, however, cars can still form nice and neat lines around the truck. And that is exactly what would happen if you tried to use alcohol to lower the freezing point of water. It would have an effect - but it would not be nearly as strong as salt, and especially not in beer.

Why not in beer? The reason is, that beer is 90% water and usually 5-6% alcohol. So right off the bat, ninety percent of the liquid would not be able to disrupt crystal formation. The alcohol itself may have had some effect, but I believe it would have been so negilible that it would have only lowered the freezing temperature by a few degrees (maybe to -3 to -1 degrees Celsius, or about 29-31 degrees Fahrenheit). The link you provided goes into some detail about calculating this, and I could break out the calculator and try to show the numbers, but I don't have the time right now.

So what I'm guessing is, the man tried to pour the alcohol onto the snow, but was only able to lower the freezing temperature by a few degrees. Discouraged and depressed, he drank some of the beer. Eventually he had to urinate, and was never so happy to do so in his life, after he saw what effect it could have.

[Die Hard]

Oh Jim. please retort :P

[JIMINATOR]

Damn 9x the scientist..... :P :D

[OUTLAWS high ping camper]

Hey, how about a story about a couple of guys debating pee pee and snow effects? :)

[Die Hard]

Damn 9x the scientist..... :P :D
:rofl:

[JIMINATOR]

about the only thing I really know about snow is that when you are thirsty, stay away from the yellow type... :thumbs:

[merkwannabe]

Why am I so stupid?

[Caged Anger]

No doubt that peeing and beer are fun, but considering I have to memorize, recite in front of a crowd, be marked on the story and my presentation, in front of an entirely grumpy group of old fogies. Yes, i don't see pee and beer being a hot topic. However, I think that maybe I have asked the wrong people.

Thanks for the help Biggs, i read the ones you posted and maybe I will be able to use one or two of them.

[Caged Anger]

http://www.flashring.com/sdfds54fd/content/toons/tfunny/beerisbad.shtml?content/toons/tfunny/beerisbad.shtml

[Mr Clean]

In order for there to be a phase change (solid snow to liquid water), there has to be an increase in temperature.

I can't find my thermodynamics book to check this, but a temperature change is not needed for a phase change.

For one, the process where water passes from the solid state (ice) to the vapor state happens without melting. This is called sublimation. (Think of something in your freezer drying out, yet the temp never gets over 32 degrees...that is caused by sublimation I believe).

Also pressure changes affect the freezing and boiling point of water, so you can keep the same temperature but increase the pressure and water will not boil (think of your car's radiator....reaches way past 212 degrees F but the water does not boil, because it is under pressure due to the sealed radiator, and yes this is true even if there isn't any antifreeze in the water).

FYI :)

[OUTLAWS 9.99repeating^32]

Mr.Clean, you are absolutely correct, phases can be changed without varying temperature. They can be changed by either varying temperature, pressure, or specific volume (volume per mass). In fact, it is possible in some simple compressible substances to have a solid, liquid, and gas all at once by manipulating the temperature and pressure and holding the specific volume constant (that is called the "triple point" of a substance).

But in the context of the situation, I didn't see any practical way for the man to increase the pressure agaisnt the snow or to increase the specific volume of the snow. I should have written "In this situation" before the sentence where you quoted me.

Another pretty cool thing about phase changes is that if one were to increase the pressure to very high amounts, one can skip phase changes entirely. For example, in the case of water, if you were to increase the pressure from atmospheric pressure (about 101,000 pascals) to 30 MPa (30,000,000 pascals) you can increase the temperature of water all you want, and it will always stay a liquid (assuming you start as a liquid; the reason for this is that every substance has a "critical point" at the top of the liquid-vapor dome, and any pressure above this point will not change phase).

And about sublimation (the change from solid to vapor). Sublimation is a phase change by an in increase temperature, however, it can only occur when the pressure is lower than normal (specifically, lower than the "triple point" pressure; for water this pressure is about one hundred times smaller than atmospheric, which is why we never see it happen on a daily basis). So it does occur by increasing temperature, however it can also occur by decreasing pressure from a low pressure to a very low pressure, as you noted. That is what happens in freezers when food "dries out".

Again, thanks for bringing that up, because what I originally said is not true for all cases.

Edit: Caged, I think you're losing it. Biggs didn't reply to this thread bud. :)

[Die Hard]

Edit: Caged, I think you're losing it. Biggs didn't reply to this thread bud. :)
I think you will find that Caged never had anything to lose to start with...

[Mr Clean]

Mr.Clean, you are absolutely correct, phases can be changed without varying temperature. They can be changed by either varying temperature, pressure, or specific volume (volume per mass). In fact, it is possible in some simple compressible substances to have a solid, liquid, and gas all at once by manipulating the temperature and pressure and holding the specific volume constant (that is called the "triple point" of a substance).


Good info on the triple point, I had forgotten about that.

And thanks for the correction on sublimation as well.

:thumbs:

[EXEcution]

Why am I so stupid?
ask your parents

[Slice]

Good info on the triple point, I had forgotten about that.

And thanks for the correction on sublimation as well.

:thumbs:
Hmmm did I just see a crow fly by? :P

[Caged Anger]

okay 9's. my bad, it was you that was helpful so thx.

As for the rest of you, go boil your heads. You wanna thread about beer, fine, i got no problems, but don't hijack my thread when i need help. The fact that Fox so cleverly noticed is that the post counts for the OT section are back on. this DOESN'T MEAN that spam needs to begin filling it up again. please take it elsewhere.

[Slice]

okay 9's. my bad, it was you that was helpful so thx.

As for the rest of you, go boil your heads. You wanna thread about beer, fine, i got no problems, but don't hijack my thread when i need help. The fact that Fox so cleverly noticed is that the post counts for the OT section are back on. this DOESN'T MEAN that spam needs to begin filling it up again. please take it elsewhere.
Dude whatever get over yourself already. If you really wanted a story you wouldn't have come to a gaming site to get one, nevertheless in the off topic section. Here is some good advice, try helping yourself by doing some research.

[JIMINATOR]

note to self: do not debate merits of any post while in a "caged anger" thread... :hmmm:
all these damn rules, i just ignore them anyway... ;)

[Die Hard]

note to self: do not debate merits of any post while in a "caged anger" thread... :hmmm:
all these damn rules, i just ignore them anyway... ;)
There are rules?

[Goober]

There are rules?
Arrggghhhh!!!.....I thought they got thrown in the Harbor along with the tea.

Rules???....we don't need no stinking rules!!

Give em heck there MR. Slice........asking a question in an off topic gaming forum and expecting a serious answer indeed...What was he thinking?
Now what was the question again? I got so caught up in the chemistry lesson that I forgot what the topic was.

[BobtheCkroach]

note to self: do not debate merits of any post while in a "caged anger" thread... :hmmm:
all these damn rules, i just ignore them anyway... ;)

I like how he spammed his own thread (sharing a link about a "beer is bad" flash clip), and then goes off on those of you trying to "cleverly" raise your post count.

[Mad Fox]

Hey Roach the beer is bad clip was not spam it was legitimate because it was related to the topic....the beerish story :doh:

[Mr Clean]

Hmmm did I just see a crow fly by? :P
Half a crow [burp]....

[EXEcution]

the anger is about to be uncaged so watch the **** out!

[T I K]

Hey Caged, dont know if this would help you but maybe something along the lines of this....... It still amazes me of how StUpid and Comp illiterate some pps can be !! :D


From an ex-field sales / support survivor:
I used to work in a computer store and one day we had a gentleman call in with a smoking power supply. The service rep was having a bit of trouble convincing this guy that he had a hardware problem.

Service Rep: Sir, something has burned within your power supply.

Customer: I bet that there is some command that I can put into the AUTOEXEC.BAT that will take care of this.

Service Rep: There is nothing that software can do to help you with this problem.

Customer: I know that there is something that I can put in... some command... maybe it should go into the CONFIG.SYS.

[After a few minutes of going round and round]

Service Rep: Okay, I am not supposed to tell anyone this but there is a hidden command in some versions of DOS that you can use. I want you to edit your AUTOEXEC.BAT and add the last line as C:\DOS\NOSMOKE and reboot your computer.

[Customer does this]

Customer: It is still smoking.

Service Rep: I guess you'll need to call Microsoft and ask them for a patch for the NOSMOKE.EXE.

[The customer then hung up. We thought that we had heard the last of this guy but NO... he calls back four hours later]

Service Rep: Hello Sir, how is your computer?

Customer: I called Microsoft and they said that my power supply is incompatible with their NOSMOKE.EXE and that I need to get a new one. I was wondering when I can have that done and how much it will cost...... :rofl:

[Caged Anger]

thx man, I think I'll try to work that one in