Finally

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!








1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be..

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are..
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done,
not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -

to give them a bigger laugh

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Dump him form
Pass this on to other women. This come under the category of put it in
writing.

Dump form - If you don't need to use this, pass it on to your
daughter or a friend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear ________:

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from
further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough
and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed
to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should
an opening become available. So that you may find better success in
your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the
following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

(Check those that apply...)

__Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,
hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can
picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a
little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload"
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than
my personality.

__You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions
about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__Your legs are skinnier than mine.

__You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be
beaten up repeatedly at recess.

__You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from
trying to kiss you.

__I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

__The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

__You still live with your parents.

__Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek
uniforms a little disconcerting.

__Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect
that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking
in a long-term partner.

__Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should
however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please
resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
(Your signature here)

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

>Subject: Pet Rules
> >
> >
> > >> > > To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
> > >> > > nose height.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Dear Dogs and Cats,
> > >> > > The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
> > >> > > your food. The other
> > >> > > dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note,
> > >> > > placing a paw print in
> > >> > > the middle of my plate and food does not stake a
> > >> > > claim for it becoming your
> > >> > > food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
> > >> > > pleasing in the slightest.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
> > >> > > racetrack.
> > >> > > Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping
> > >> > > me doesn't help
> > >> > > because I fall faster than you can run.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.
> > >> > > I am very sorry
> > >> > > about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on
> > >> > > the couch to ensure
> > >> > > your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in
> > >> > > a ball when they
> > >> > > sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
> > >> > > each other stretched
> > >> > > out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
> > >> > > sticking tails
> > >> > > straight out and having tongues hanging out the
> > >> > > other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > For the last time, there is not a secret exit from
> > >> > > the bathroom. If by
> > >> > > some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
> > >> > > door shut, it is not
> > >> > > necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob
> > >> > > or get your paw under
> > >> > > the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
> > >> > > through the same door I
> > >> > > entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
> > >> > > years-canine or feline
> > >> > > attendance is not mandatory.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
> > >> > > dog or cat's butt.
> > >> > > I cannot stress this enough!
> > >> > >
> > >> > > To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
> > >> > > following message on our
> > >> > > front door:
> > >> > >
> > >> > > To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain
> > >> > > About Our Pets
> > >> > >
> > >> > > 1. They live here. You don't.
> > >> > > 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes,
> > >> > > stay off the furniture.
> > >> > > (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
> > >> > > 3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
> > >> > > people.
> > >> > > 4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an
> > >> > > adopted son/daughter who
> > >> > > is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
> > >> > > speak clearly.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because
> > >> > > they:
> > >> > >
> > >> > > 1. Eat less
> > >> > > 2. Don't ask for money all the time
> > >> > > 3 Are easier to train
> > >> > > 4. Usually come when called
> > >> > > 5. Never drive your car
> > >> > > 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
> > >> > > 7. Don't smoke or drink
> > >> > > 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest
> > >> > > fashions
> > >> > > 9. Don't wear your clothes
> > >> > > 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
> > >> > > 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their
> > >> > > children.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at
the top of several pages, that it indeed says:

"HEBREWS"

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

"What a peaceful & loving couple." The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America , " explained the Man.

"We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."

"We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing her to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said,"That's twice."

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third
time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead"

I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?!"

She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

THE YEAR 1906

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some of the U.S. statistics for the Year 1906 :
************************************

The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.


Only 14 percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

A three-minute call from Denver to New York City
cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles
of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more
heavily populated than California.

With a mere 1.4 million people, California was only the 21st
most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents per hour.

The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year .

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year,
a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all U.S. doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which
were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used
borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from
entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars.
Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea
hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 U.S. adults couldn't read or write.
Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Eighteen percent of households in the U.S. had at least
one full-time servant or domestic help.


There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A. !

I forwarded this from someone else without typing
it myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States,
possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Two Sisters

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family
ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. To keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a
far town so they can breed their own stock.

They have only $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells
her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull,
I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull,
and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he
will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives
to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell
her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that
I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the
trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can
haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help
her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after
paying for the bull, the brunette has only $1 left. She
realizes that she'll be able to send her sister just one
word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want
you to send her the word 'comfortable.'"

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know
that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if
you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's
big. She'll read it very slowly: 'com-for-da-bull'!"

[OUTLAWS high ping camper]

Thanks for the laughs.......loved the "that's once" joke. :)

[krazy]

Nice Chico :thumbs: :rofl:

[OUTLAWS CHICO]

Subject: Sunday Clothes


A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday
afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the
other direction.


"Hello" said the little boy.


"Hi" replied the little girl.


"Where are you going"? Asked the little boy.


"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the
little girl.


"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church".




"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.


"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl.


"What about you?"


"I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill", replied the
little boy.


They discover that they are both going the same way so they dec ided
that
they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring
rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could
get
across to the other side without getting wet.


"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said
the
little girl.


"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the


little boy.


"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull
off
all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across".


"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same
thing with my suit".


So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without
getting
their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip
dry
before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally
remarked.


"You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there
really
is between a Baptist and a Methodist".